by diana chandra todayonsunday@mediacorp.com.sg 04:46 AM Mar 04, 2012
Article from Today Online
We are often more shocked when we come across angry children than when we encounter angry adults. And we wonder what has made them angry - especially since they do not have all the stresses of life to bear.
I remember the first time my (then) five-year-old son's nursery teacher called and arranged to see me after school. Nothing prepared me for what I was about to find out.
The teacher told me that he was fidgety in class, disturbed others around him and was easily provoked when teased.
My little boy would go into a rage and pick up chairs to fling at those around him, and all his little classmates would scream and run around terrified.
As the teacher was talking, I looked at my son who was standing next to me - and saw a big tear suddenly well up in his eyes.
I was unsure at the time how to respond on two fronts. Firstly, to the teacher, who had recounted the misbehaviour in my son's presence, such that he might feel criticised and judged.
Secondly, to my son, whose "darker" side was now revealed. His tears made me realise that this little boy was struggling with things on his own.
Later, when I walked with him to the car, my son asked for a hug. I gladly gave him one - not because he had apologised, but because I wanted to reassure him that he was loved despite what he had done.
We talked for a while. And I realised, for the first time, that he was having difficulty making friends in school. The other little kids did not like him, for reasons that he did not understand.
This sparked a conversation about feelings and what he could do to allow others a chance to get to know him. It was not easy to convince a five-year-old that he would have friends in due time. In fact, it took a while before he made some friends.
We practised the "anger line" together. He learnt to identify where his anger level was at on a scale of 1 to 10, so that he could call for a "time-out". During these "time-outs", he would excuse himself to walk away, and have a moment to himself to calm down, rather than react.
This experience taught my son that he could talk to someone when he was angry, without being judged. He also learnt to see his emotions - even those as volatile as anger - as a part of him. He learnt to recognise what it was saying to him: That what drove his reactions was his desire to have friends and not be lonely.
He also emerged understanding that he had choices, and that each choice would have a different impact on himself and on others. In this particular incident, I showed him that he could either get angry with his friends for teasing him, which is what he did; or learn to voice his opinion in an acceptable way, which I could guide him to do.
Most importantly, at the very core, he realised that he had his family's love and support whenever he had to cope with difficult situations.
As a parent, I learnt to understand that kids throw tantrums when they cannot seem to get what they want. This may often be more out of frustration rather than wilfulness, especially at that young an age.
Teaching kids to verbalise what they need and want in an appropriate, acceptable manner is important because they are learning to be assertive without being aggressive.
It also teaches them the possibility of negotiating for what they want, rather than throwing tantrums or totally ignoring the person. In getting what they need, a child grows to become more confident and develop a positive self-esteem, which I believe are the building blocks of an emotionally stable adult life.
Over the years, my son was conscientious in applying the anger interruption techniques in trying situations. He has grown into a responsible teenager who is discerning about how his emotions may affect himself and the people around him. I have seen how hard he has worked in managing his emotions.
It has been a difficult journey, but he knows it was one that will serve him well in later years of his life - and that I will be with him every step of the way.
Diana Chandra is a senior therapist with EMCC (Eagles Mediation & Counselling Centre), and a mother of three children aged 28, 27 and 17.
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