A handle on grief

May 11, 2013 in Features
Article from http://www.spokesman.com/stories/2013/may/11/a-handle-on-grief/

Barlow

Support group teaches, allows men to work through their losses

From his work as an educator, counselor and state legislator, from his background as an Ottawa Indian, an Episcopalian and a community volunteer, and from his experience as a parent, spouse and man, Don Barlow knows that each person deals with loss and grief in different ways.

Since last fall, he has volunteered with Hospice of Spokane to lead a men’s grief support group that meets Thursdays.

While his parents lived long, dying five years apart at age 91, the losses of his son, Jason, of a brain tumor in 1980 at age 10, of his second wife Elvera of pancreatic cancer in 1987 at age 47, and of his stepdaughter Laura of breast cancer in 1997 at age 29 – give him insights beyond his academic and therapeutic training and experience.

Barlow earned a bachelor’s degree in 1962 and a master’s degree in 1967, both from the University of Idaho. He worked at community mental health centers in his hometown of Boise, and in Twin Falls and Idaho Falls during and after his studies.

After earning a doctoral degree in educational administration at Pennsylvania State in 1978, he came to Spokane and worked with the school district until 1991, when he went into private practice, specializing in grief counseling.

While he was in college, he realized there was a program to help women students, but nothing for men, so he started a men’s student support program.

Similarly, he said, there is little to help men deal with their grief, losses, relationships, parenting and setting goals.

“Men and women grieve in different ways,” Barlow said. “We expect people to grieve as we do, but everyone has their own way of grieving. There is no timeline.

“Some men may do more physical activity to relieve their stress – running or weights. Some men may be stoic and not cry, considering that a sign of weakness,” he said. “Women go to a support group and cry to express their grief. So if men don’t cry, people wonder if they are feeling grief. They are, but they exhibit it in different ways.”

Leading a men’s grief group is something Barlow has wanted to do because of his positive experience with Hospice when his wife and stepdaughter died.

“If just men are together, they are more likely to discuss things with each other they wouldn’t talk about if they are with women. Many men are used to being silent, not speaking about their feelings,” he said.

“Tough guys come and at first just sit there, but eventually participate. It’s easy to draw them out just by asking, ‘What do you think?’ Then they are in the game,” he said. “Most have come because someone told them to come.”

Barlow said some men may turn their grief into anger and have problems managing it.

The support group is a way to let out their anger and find that others feel the same.

“The more we understand ourselves, the better we are in the long run,” Barlow said. “There is much unrelieved grief. Delay in dealing with grief can cause some men problems.”

In the 1970s, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross wrote about five stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, coping and accepting – as if they were steps to go through in that order.

“Not following in those steps does not mean a person is not dealing with grief, just dealing with it in a different way,” said Barlow, who keeps up with the latest techniques and therapies.

“We need to respect that people have different stories and different ways of grieving. Some need and want a road map, because we are not taught how to deal with grief and loss.”

A member of St. Stephen’s Episcopal Church who has also been in a Southern Baptist Church, Barlow does not promote any faith perspective in the group.

He lets the men talk about their faith, based on their personal experiences, sensitive to the role faith can play in grief and healing.

Because of his experience, he offers reassurance when men ask, “Am I going to feel better?”

He knows that losses may weaken some and strengthen others, but overall trusts that they will feel better. It may be years, months or weeks. Everyone has their own rate.

May 11, 2013 in Features

Article from http://www.spokesman.com/stories/2013/may/11/a-handle-on-grief/

Turn the hopelessness within you into a fruitful opportunity. By RIDO

Do's and Don'ts of Teaching Your Child to Cope with Anger

Dr. Gail GrossFamily & Child Expert, Educator, Author. Ph.D. Ed.D.
Posted: 05/06/2013 3:04 pm
From http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-gail-gross/dos-and-donts-of-teaching-your-child-to-cope-with-anger_b_3202744.html

Do you find your child lashing out? Are you having trouble communicating with your child during moments of extreme frustration or aggression? While children are growing and still learning how to cope with anger, they tend to instinctively use anger as a defense against physical and emotional pain. As the parent, there are many ways you can help your child through these emotional moments.

Here are some helpful tips to teach your children how to cope with anger:

1. DO recognize and acknowledge your child's feelings. If you validate your child's feelings, then your child doesn't need to defend those feelings and is less likely to respond in anger. Acknowledging feelings causes your child's anger to soften and leaves a safe space in which he or she can learn empathy and coping skills. On the other hand, if you discount your children's feelings and experience, their anger will intensify as they fight to establish and validate their own sense of self.

2. DO practice empathy. By listening to your child's feelings without interruption or defense, you create space for your child's anger to dissipate, as they no longer need to use up energy defending the fairness of their position. By empathizing with your child's feelings, you are helping them regulate the cortisol -- the fight-or-flight chemical -- that emerges through emotional stress. The consistency of your open reception to your child's anger teaches him or her to react less emotionally and more critically. Ultimately, this is how nature and nurture come into balance, as a child's behavior affects body chemistry and therefore, their emotional control.

3. DO teach your children problem-solving skills. Neurological tracking occurs when children creatively problem-solve. The more children practice and rehearse problem-solving rather than emotional reacting, the more their neurological pathways assist them in controlling their impulses. Parents can teach their children how to recognize, acknowledge and appropriately cope with their feelings by asking questions that prompt children to think up their own solutions, such as "What do you think would happen if you did Choice A instead of Choice B?" or, "What sort of options do you think are available to you and what do you need to do to find a resolution?"

4. DO establish clear standards for acceptable and unacceptable behavior. This means that though we want to validate all our child is feeling, allowing those emotions does not translate into the acceptance of bad behavior. There are common rules of engagement which include: no hitting, throwing, breaking objects or disrespect. By involving children in establishing the consequences for their behavior, you will find that your children are more likely to respect the rules. By limiting your children's aggressive behavior, you are in a sense establishing a safety container for their feelings.

5. DO teach your child relaxation methods. By teaching children progressive relaxation, breathing techniques and other self-managing tools for stress, they can calm themselves down when confronted with anger. These techniques not only change the neural pathways, but also affect impulse control. Like every habit, the more your do it, the better you become at it. For example, if a child learns to breath in before giving in to the impulsive act of hitting, it gives that child a sense of control and lessens the need to establish control by acting out.

6. DO try a "time in" instead of a "time out." As the parent, you are your child's main guide in life, and as their guide, they rely on you to be there with them through their emotional experience, whatever that may be. Therefore, no time out, no isolation. Instead, try a "time in" -- sit with your child and incorporate other methods mentioned in this post: work on breathing with them, ask them questions about their feelings. The important thing is to be fully present with them to help them through their emotions. Remember, you are teaching your child social cues and skills to be in relationships with others, rather than acting out alone. When children are isolated, they often ruminate and feel guilty for their behavior. This only serves to create concrete reasons for low self-esteem, which often cycles back to creating bad behavior.

7. DON'T attempt to orchestrate your child's feelings. It is important to value what your child is experiencing. For example, if your child is hurt or crying, never say to them: "Stop crying." But rather, validate your child's experience, saying, "I know that hurts; that would make me cry also." This makes an ally out of you, rather than a target for free floating anxiety and anger.

As an ally, your child learns to trust you, realizing you are there for them -- no matter what, right or wrong, and that they can count on that. If your child can trust you, they can learn to trust themselves and the outer world. If, for example, your child tells you they hate you, or wants you to leave them alone, it is important to assure them that you will be nearby and that you will always be there for them -- no matter what.

8. DON'T go down to your child's level of behavior. Consciously and deliberately step into your role as the adult and remain there for the entire stressful episode. Little children can really work themselves up emotionally, especially while defending their position. Your job as a parent is to stay composed. Your state of calm allows your child to feel safe in the midst of chaos. A parent is always a child's touchstone, the one they look toward, for security and safety. Children become afraid when their parents display anger. By staying in your adult role, you are teaching your child that it is okay to feel angry, and that when the feeling passes, you are still there, holding a secure space for them.

9. DO teach your children to recognize anger cues. If children can self-monitor, they can self-manage. By recognizing the feelings that accompany anger, children can recognize the onset of those emotions. This gives them time in which to self-manage before they are caught in the chaos of emotion. If you see that your child is over-tired or cranky, you have the opportunity as a parent to teach them to recognize their oncoming emotions by resting with your child, reading to your child, or spending some cozy time together.

10. DO teach your children how to bring their feelings to consciousness. By recognizing the emotions that drive their behavior, children can learn to skillfully manage that behavior. Writing, drawing and painting are wonderful ways to express the issues that are bothering children, especially if they have trouble verbalizing their emotions. When my children were little and reached the point of no return in their emotional intensity, I bought a Shmoo, which is balloon that can be punched and pops back up. I gave permission for my children to use the pillows on their bed or the Shmoo to release some of the pent-up feelings of emotions. Once those feelings are out in the open, you can collaborate with your child to find ways of coping with these feelings empathically.

11. Invest your child in the process of managing their anger. Ask your children to give you some tips on how they could positively manage their emotions. Make a list of five actions they can take -- such as breathing deeply for one minute or drawing a picture -- and leave the list somewhere your child can see it, such as his or her bedroom door or on your refrigerator door.

12. DO bond with your child. A well-bonded child can learn to cope and manage his or her emotions, to problem-solve, to process and to stick with a problem until it is resolved. They are also more adventuresome and will creatively explore different options as solutions to problems. The well-bonded child feels like he or she can depend on parents.

In the end, remember that you, as the parent, make all the difference. By following these tips, you can help strengthen your relationship with your child and give them the tools they need to cope with their anger. If you notice that your child has relationship problems, is a bully, or tries to hurt themselves, others or animals, do consider seeking professional help for both you and your child.

If you would like to learn more about how children process anger, please visit my website www.DrGailGross.com

Dr. Gail GrossFamily & Child Expert, Educator, Author. Ph.D. Ed.D.
Posted: 05/06/2013 3:04 pm
From http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-gail-gross/dos-and-donts-of-teaching-your-child-to-cope-with-anger_b_3202744.html




Turn the hopelessness within you into a fruitful opportunity. By RIDO