August 4, 2010, 9:06 pm
By Dr. B. J. C. Perera MBBS(Ceylon), DCH(Ceylon), DCH(England), MD(Paediatrics), FRCP(Edinburgh), FRCP(London), FRCPCH(United Kingdom), FSLCPaed, FCCP, FCGP(Sri Lanka) Consultant Paediatrician
It is an undeniable truth that everyone feels angry at some time or another. It is not an unusual, strange or abnormal sensation. Anger is a result of feeling stressed, disappointed or frustrated and more importantly, not being able to cope with those feelings. There are many natural ways of expressing anger, several of which are not appropriate or safe. Part of the process of growing up is learning that we cannot have everything that we want, that we may not always be successful and that life is sometimes unfair. We learn to accept that there are some things we cannot change, that sometimes we have to accept or tolerate things and we also learn to be assertive and not aggressive. As adults people have learnt how to control anger and to express it in appropriate ways. We may even harness our angry feelings to enable us to bring about positive changes in our lives and the lives of others. These lessons are not easy to learn and sometimes people need a lot of help.
Anger is not an uncommon emotion in children. Very young children express their anger and frustration by throwing tantrums, often in the most inappropriate places where they are going to create maximum effect and embarrassment to their parent or carer. It is really important that parents learn the many different ways in which it is possible to deal with a child’s feelings of anger effectively, especially while the child is young. Grappling with a 2 year old is a lot easier than trying to restrain an older child who is unable to control his or her feelings and who resorts to physical actions such as hitting or kicking. The different aspects of childhood anger are important not only to parents and care givers but also to teachers committed to constructive, ethical, and effective child guidance for which childhood anger presents some daunting challenges.
Anger is believed to have three components. The first is the emotional state of anger. This component is the emotion itself, defined as an affective or arousal state or a feeling experienced when a goal is blocked or needs are frustrated. There are several types of stress-producing anger provocations that young children face daily in various types of interpersonal interactions. These include conflicts over possessions, which involves someone taking children’s property or invading their space, physical assault which involves one child doing something physical to another child such as pushing or hitting., verbal conflict, for example, a tease or a taunt, rejection, which involves a child being ignored or not allowed to play with peers, issues of compliance which often involve asking or insisting that children do something that they do not want to do, as for instance, wash their hands.
The second component of anger is its expression. This is the tangible and outward manifestation of the emotion. Some children vent or express anger through facial expressions, crying, sulking, or talking but do little to try to solve a problem or confront the provocateur. Others actively resist by physically or verbally defending their positions, self-esteem, or possessions in non-aggressive ways. Still other children express anger with aggressive revenge by physically or verbally retaliating against the provocateur. Some children express dislike by telling the offender that he or she cannot play or is not liked. Other children express anger through avoidance or attempts to escape from or evade the provocateur. And some children use adult seeking, looking for comfort or solutions from a teacher or telling the teacher about an incident. Teachers can use child guidance strategies to help children express angry feelings in socially constructive ways. Children develop ideas about how to express emotions primarily through social interaction in their families and later by watching television or movies, playing video games, and reading books. Some children have learned a negative, aggressive approach to expressing anger and when confronted with everyday anger conflicts, resort to using aggression in the classroom. A major challenge for early childhood teachers is to encourage children to acknowledge angry feelings and to help them learn to express anger in positive and effective ways.
The third component of the anger experience is understanding, interpreting and evaluating the emotion. Because the ability to regulate the expression of anger is linked to an understanding of the emotion and because children’s ability to reflect on their anger is somewhat limited, children need guidance from teachers and parents in understanding and managing their feelings of anger. It is best for this process to start at as young an age as possible. It has to be learnt from very early on.
If a child is expressing anger in an inappropriate way then it is essential to look at what is causing the feelings. Basic things such as is the child getting enough sleep ?, is the child harbouring unreasonable expectations such as wanting to do something that he or she is too young or physically unable to do?, are the expectations of the parents reasonable, is the child being cared for and is he or she getting sufficient amounts of ‘good’ attention?, are positive comments being made for good behaviour, is it the norm to generally explain why if a request is denied, do the parents stick by their decisions or do they allow themselves to ‘give-in’ to constant whining and nagging?, is the child unsettled by changes in the family such as the arrival of a new baby, moving house or splits in the family?, and also whether the child is unwell or overtired?.
It is a very good practice to let a child know quietly but firmly that there are rules for dealing with anger, that everyone gets angry at times but that everybody, including children, have to learn to be the boss of anger, and not let anger be the boss of us. It is essential that the child is taught the ways to learn how to work through the anger and keep ourselves and others safe. Measures such as taking a deep breath and breathing out hard, counting up to ten slowly in the mind before saying anything, "keep breathing and counting while you think about what to say or do", waiting until we feel in control and can speak in a quiet voice, saying what we feel quietly and not shouting, walking away but not running until we feel calm enough to think what to do, being careful not to say hurtful things which we may regret later, never hitting out to hurt others or ourselves and finding safe ways to release anger, like screaming into a pillow, running round the garden or some other safe place, or squeezing a ball or a cushion. It is also extremely important that the parents and other care givers make sure that when they themselves are angry, they model the behaviour that they are asking the child to do.
Coping with a child who is upset and angry can be a frustrating and very exhausting experience. Certain basic measures such as always insisting on quiet voices when you are talking together, saying "no" once and explaining why and then ignoring any further discussion by changing the subject, meaning what you say, making simple rules for the child to follow and implementing the consequences that have been previously agreed upon if the rules are not being followed, not giving in to whining and whingeing, trying to use the ‘time-out’ sign, making a letter T with your hands, to show that discussion is over rather than shouting or repeating what you have just said, teaching a child about the values you have in the family like respect for others and their property, honesty, responsibility and working together to help each other together with praising when these values are exhibited or complied with by the child and making it quite clear that while you love the child, you do not love angry, aggressive behaviour.
Anger in children is often triggered by frustration. Children are often not able to understand certain situations and they do not know how such things could be changed. They are not able to coherently verbalise their feelings and then they respond with anger. In certain age groups such as in pre-schoolers, tantrums are perfectly normal and reflect a certain stage in the development of the child. Episodes of anger and even fighting in older children of the 5 to 12 year age range are also quite normal. However, such occurrences need to be handled properly. In many an instance, these patterns of behaviour can be utilised as good opportunities to learn self-control and forgiveness by the child. Even anger tantrums of the so called difficult children can come within the normal range. These are children born with uncompromising temperaments whose behaviour could be most challenging to all around. However, the occurrence of repeated uncontrollable episodes may signal the need to seek professional help. They may have certain underlying serious psychological or psychiatric disorders. Anger in teenagers can be a major problem. Defiant behaviour and attitudes are often quite normal things in this age group. However, persistent rude and abusive behaviour, physical aggression, self-mutilation, turning anger inwards through starvation, avoidance of friends and refraining from going to school are some of the features that suggest that the problem needs professional assistance. There are qualified professionals such as trained psychologists and psychiatrists who could help in these situations.
The development of basic cognitive processes underlines children’s gradual development of the understanding of anger. Memory improves substantially during early childhood enabling young children to better remember aspects of anger-arousing interactions. Children who have developed unhelpful ideas of how to express anger may retrieve the early unhelpful strategy even after teachers help them gain a more helpful perspective. This finding implies that teachers may have to remind some children, sometimes more than once or twice, about the less aggressive ways of expressing anger. Talking about emotions helps young children understand their feelings. The understanding of emotion in preschool children is predicted by overall language ability. Teachers can expect individual differences in the ability to identify and label angry feelings because children’s families model a variety of approaches in talking about emotions. Self-referential behaviours include viewing the self as separate from others and as an active, independent, causal agent. Self-regulation refers to controlling impulses, tolerating frustration, and postponing immediate gratification. Initial self-regulation in young children provides a base for early childhood teachers who can develop strategies to nurture children’s emerging ability to regulate the expression of anger.
Teachers can help children deal with anger by guiding their understanding and management of this emotion. The practices described here can help children understand and manage angry feelings in a direct and nonaggressive way. A healthy early childhood setting permits children to acknowledge all feelings, pleasant and unpleasant, and does not shame anger. Healthy classroom systems have clear, firm, and flexible boundaries. Children have an impaired ability to understand emotion when adults show a lot of anger. Adults who are most effective in helping children manage anger model responsible management by acknowledging, accepting, and taking responsibility for their own angry feelings and by expressing anger in direct and nonaggressive ways. Teachers of infants and toddlers can and should do a lot of self-regulation "work," realizing that the children in their care have a very limited ability to regulate their own emotions. As children get older, adults can gradually transfer control of the self to children, so that they can develop self-regulatory skills. Teachers and parents can help young children produce a label for their anger by teaching them that they are having a feeling and that they can use a word to describe their angry feeling. A permanent record (a book or chart) can be made of lists of labels for anger (e.g., mad, irritated, annoyed), and the class can refer to it when discussing angry feelings. Preschool children better understand anger and other emotions when adults explain emotions. When children are embroiled in an anger-arousing interaction, teachers can help by listening without judging, evaluating or ordering them to feel differently. Well-presented stories about anger and other emotions validate children’s feelings and give information about anger. It is important to preview all books about anger because some stories teach irresponsible anger management. Some of the same strategies employed to talk with parents about other areas of the curriculum can be used to enlist their assistance in helping children learn to express emotions. For example, articles about learning to use words to label anger can be included in a newsletter to parents. Children guided toward responsible anger management are more likely to understand and manage angry feelings directly and non aggressively and to avoid the stress often accompanying poor anger management. Teachers can take some of the bumps out of understanding and managing anger by adopting positive guidance strategies.
Anger leading to tantrums in children between 2 and 5 years of age are perfectly normal, especially for children who are unable to express their frustration. Tantrums in this age group reflect a stage of development in the child. They mark the child’s understanding of a self separate from the world around him. He or she is experiencing a sense of personal independence which often conflicts with adult intervention, a situation that will be repeated during the teenage years. However, long-lasting and severe tantrums may be red flags for professional and medical assistance. Episodes of anger and even fighting among older children are also normal. In fact, these behaviours become good opportunities in a child’s experiences for learning self control and forgiveness. Repeated episodes of sustained and explosive anger can signal the need for professional intervention.
Anger in children often comes from stress. Stress is part of a child’s life as much as it is a part of an adult’s life. Teaching a child how to handle stress is one of the best things parents can do for their children. A healthy dose of stress actually builds resilience and optimism. In most instances, it appears as if only one parent is raising the child. However, it must be stressed that it is a combined responsibility of both parents. Such a parenting style resolves conflict through experienced insight, practical tips, skills, advice, games and exercises. It empowers parents to work through relationship and parenting differences to raise happy, responsible and successful children.
The writer would appreciate feedback from the readers. Please e-mail him at bjcp@sltnet.lk
From The Island published on August 4, 2010, 9:06 pm
